Bureaucracy 101

First post.

Although I am currently unstuck in the world, I though it might be nice to make my first post somewhat more universal than the mundane day-to-day as will be commonplace later on. So I shall begin with a topic that is universal in scope, yet specifically applicable to me: the troubles of bureaucracy. Now it seems normal to anyone familiar with the dreaded "third world" that bureaucracies happen, and in fact if you go somewhere "developing" you are by far more surprised by a streamlined system of bureaucracy than one which involves long lines, large fees, huge waiting times and general inconvenience. This may be true, albeit somewhat imperialist, however to find wonderfully converse systems of bureaucracy one need not travel beyond the North American/European continents. As you probably know, the authors of this blog are soon to be heading east, to the heart of Europe, for a semester on study away. To Prague, Czech Republic. Some of us were fortunate enough to have a European passport (behold! the vast multinational nation of Europe!), however I am still trapped in the mediocrity of Dual Northamericanhood. This inevitable means a visa, something I don't fear or dread as I have been competent enough to get 3 visas over my years: 1 Norwegian, 1 Indian and 1 Syrian.

Visa requirements for Student Visa to Czech Republic include:

1. 4 page application form (to be filled out digitally and printed)
2. Two (2) Identical Photographs
3. Passport
4. Proof of Funds (3 most recent bank statements + credit card)
5. Proof of Purpose of stay (Letter of Acceptance from University) (in Czech!)
6. Proof of Accommodation (Confirmation of Dorm reservation) (in Czech)
7. Proof of Insurance
8. Photocopy of Birth Certificate
9. $182 Fee (in cash or money order)

The list is exhaustive, but not difficult. I arrived to the Czech Consulate of Montreal (thank GOD they have one in Montreal, quite near McGill) with all my documents proudly in hand at 10:00 AM on the dot (they are open 4 days a week, 9-noon). The ladies in the consulate are nice enough, one loses her shoe as she opens the door for us. I go to the service counter. No one home. I wait. 5,6,7,8 minutes. I decide to call. "Uh, hello, yes, I'm, um, I need a visa..." "Well sir, have you looked at the website?" "No, I mean, um, well, I'm inside, with all my documents..."

She comes, smiles, (dyed (vibrant) red hair glistening) leaves. 25 minutes later, returns with credit card, insurance, and pport. "Yes sir, everything seems to be in orrrrrrder except (except!?!?) we need a copy of your criminal record, new rules" "But I don't have a criminal record..." "Yes, that's good, we need a copy of your lack of criminal record."

10. Criminal Record (or lack thereof)

This criminal record is needed to help the Czech Alien Police inspect my background: they want to see if I've been to Mars, determine if I have tentacles, three eyes, scaly skin or excrete a green ooze while excited. I want to call them and tell them that I don't speak Huttese, Klingon, or Tralfagarian, and NO, I don't know which direction Alpha Centuri is in, nor do I know how many lightyears away it is. And even if I did, my criminal record would not tell you so. Of course it's not just a criminal record. It's a criminal record which has been signed by an office in Ottawa (certifying it for International use), and then translated into Czech. I ask how to do these things, and am handed a form with the address to the office in Ottawa, told that I can pick up my (lack of) criminal record at any police station, and given the contact information for Czech translator extraordinaire, Mrs. Smid. Somehow, they'll determine whether or not I'm an earthling if my criminal record has been translated. I consider myself fortunate however, because as a Canadian citizen it only takes 60 days for the Alien Police to inspect me, whereas my United Statesian neighbors get a full 90 days.

Czech bureaucracy, enter Canada. One phone call later I learn that to get my (lack of) criminal record certified I have two options. 1) go to Ottawa and get it signed the same day or 2)mail it to Ottawa and wait five weeks. I have 2 days left in Montreal so I opt for renting a car and driving. The following day, getting ready to leave town I swing by the police station. Police station tells me they can't help me, gives me a paper with the address of those who can. Drive to the other office, finally some answers. Big sign in front advertising a copy of your record for student visas. Thank goodness Canada is so well organized! Fill out form, pay $40 dollars (I have to pay for the privilege to see what offenses I haven't commited?), and then told, "thank you sir, your record will be here in five business days. Would you like that mailed to your address or would you like to pick it up here?"

Total cost of student visa between Czech and Canadian bureaucracies:

$182 Visa fee,
$40 fee for copy of (lack of) criminal record
$ ??? international certification fee
$ ??? translation fee
$80 rental car
$52 surcharge for the Alien police to inspect me

...

Perhaps though, it's not so bad. I have learned to value of good friends (willing to travel to Ottawa for me post-departure) and I'm sure the 6 different offices that my documents will travel between have given that many more people jobs, money, food, life, etc. Maybe the key to a stable economy is a stable bureaucracy because it is able to diffuse the shocks. The trickle-down theory gets clogged in the drains of bureaucratic offices. That being said, bureaucracy steals the most prized of non-renewable resources: time. Time, something that matters to the spender, and does nothing accomodate those who perform the service. All bureaucracy may not be so bad, essential even, but it can be inefficient. Andefficiency is so clean, perfect and hums a gentle vibraty purr.


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